Parenthood Transitions

When going through life transitions, two things can be true at the same time: You can be looking forward and looking back.

As I transition into the stage of motherhood in which my children are now adults, it is a path I haven't travelled before, and the same rules no longer apply. My children are independent, and while I talk to them often, they no longer need me the same way. I am learning to navigate this with the help from my mentor with some life coaching and reframing. My nervous system has been on the go for a long time. I wonder why I'm so tired sometimes, and then I see the movie reels of life as a mother - all the sports practices and games, recitals, concerts, homework, and later on taking kids to their jobs, driving lessons, and so on. It takes the nervous system some time to recalibrate, rest, and recover. And for me, this transition occurred during menopause. Menopause was physically gentle, but emotionally overwhelming. A lot of emotion I hadn't had time to process for years, came to the surface, making everything I encountered when my children moved out seem so much more emotionally charged.

Here are some things I've learned over the past few years:

1. You can respect your child's independence and still ache to be needed. While I'm so proud of my children for their independence, it's strange not to have them come to me with everything. I know I did a good job, but when you do your job well, you work yourself out of a job.

2. You can love the life you have now and grieve the life that is changing. Parenthood doesn't end, it changes, and yet this transition feels like an ending because of the nervous system output it took to raise your family. You can enjoy the quiet and miss the noise that exhausted you. You can be relieved the hardest years are behind but also view them as the best years of your life. Raising children is a long game, and when your kids move out, you can't believe that portion of the game is over.

3. Their independence means you did your job well, and yet you can still feel displaced by it. You can be happy with your life now and still miss the chaos of someone needing something from you 24/7. Your kids may not need you the way they used to, but you will miss the version of the family where they did.

4. Birthdays become anniversary's for you. With each child born, you became someone you hadn't before. Time became measured in first steps, outgrown clothes and shoes, and the way their hands grew in yours. Once you stood over them, shielding them from life, loving and protecting them with the kind of love only a parent can. Now they tower over you, while they wrap you in the same kind of love you once gave to them.

5. Many ask: "Who am I now that my kids aren't at home? When do I feel content one minute, and burst into tears at the sight of a photo?" Parents grow too but in ways people cannot see, and it's not easily measured. We learn how to love in ways we hadn't imagined. We worry about others and not ourselves. We miss our kids even when they might have been in the next room. We learn to function on a level of exhaustion most wouldn't be able to. Even when they move out, we scan for them every day, hoping to feel they're okay.

   As a parent, we catalog everything. We make sure everyone has everything they need before leaving the house. We know what type of cry means what in a way no one else does. We wonder how time flew by when it seemed to drag on at times.

   Every birthday was a celebration of who our children were becoming, and even as an adult we celebrate this but also grieve for a version of them we won't experience again. This also refers to ourselves. We aren't the same people we were before our children came along. There is joy and pride, and right alongside of it is grief.

As I help my son and his fiancée prepare for their wedding next year, I know there will be other transitions to come. Parenting doesn't end. It changes. Sometimes it's hard watching our kids make decisions we don't feel are the right ones, and yet we have to remember they have to learn how to be an adult too. Learning to be there for your children in a different way is one of the key things we can do to make this transition easier for use and for them. We may find that we have to listen more and lecture less, or not at all really. Tough conversations become discussions and at the end of the day, we accept the choices are children make for themselves.

I am thankful for the support I've received while going through this transition. I love helping others through this transition too. I'd be honoured to help you find more of you!

Book a free consultation today!